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Last
updated: March 7, 2003
Critiques
on:
Living Marble
by C.H.
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Hey,
that was really great. You built up to climax with professional
expertise. I was just getting to wondering who "he" was when
you revealed that to the reader. I would caution you on your
phrases. Some of them seem too flowery, if you know what I
mean. I tend to be wordy, and I can see that same tendency
in you. Sorry, but that's the plain truth. Anyway, in conclusion,
you have a great story.
Katrina,
VA
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Seriously,
this is incredibly melodramatic. It would appeal to emotions
more if the drama wasn't shoved down one's throat. Also, with
phrases like "the warmth of a thousand heavens long forgotten,"
I'm not sure even you know what you're talking about. It would
be better if more lucid.
Mary,
NC
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Hey,
GREAT story. I really enjoyed it.
Elizabeth,
PA
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The
only problem is the title for me. "Living Marble"
suggests a marble like cats-eye or the game type. Also the
line, "I feel the stars pulling me in" tells me
this person is one of those Miss Cleo types, and I don't know
if you meant it to be that way, but yeah. I think it is a
very good story and has a lot of potential–it just needs
some polishing.
Carmen,
OR
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"My
heart has run a thousand forevers through the dark"? Are you
serious? This is one of the most melodramatic pieces of wanna-be-Disney
writing I have read in a LONG time. Rewritten, it has some
potential, but as
it is...
Nick,
WA
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Great
prologue for some future book out there! If it's not the begining
of something, you stopped in the middle.Who is HE?!!
Jen,
NY
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A
bit overdone–this has gone high-school angsty gawth.
Wash off the greasepaint and cakes of kohl, use some color
stripper to go back to rich, natural black and get a good
soft sable brush and a little box of shimmer dust instead.
In other words: elegance is simplicity and a subtle touch.
Adrien,
VA
- I
will describe your story in just one word: intimidating.
Jackie,
AB, Canada
- I
think this piece is just too flowery. You used too many fancy
metaphors. A few are good, but in such a short piece, all the
fancy, high words sound sort of crammed and the reader wishes
to hear some good, common sense.
Grace,
MN
- This
piece presents a divine treat for the readers–though I
thought it was somewhat melodramatic. I thought the descriptions
in this piece were very wonderful and sophisticated, but the
metaphors and such were a little melodramatic and confusing.
Otherwise, I truly enjoyed your wonderful work.
Hayley,
GA
- The
overall affect of this piece is melodramatic. Phrases such as
"the tears still seeping from me like alpine springs"
make it seem like a story wanting to be a poem. You should make
up your mind which you want it to be and go from there. It has
the potential—with a little refining—to be a very
nice piece of work.
Sarah, CO
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